i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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