She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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