I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
