i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I love having hate sex.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
