when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
