She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
