i jhust puked up my retainher.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
