sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
