Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
