i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
why do cheetos always look like penises
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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