the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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