she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
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