closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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