This is not my ceiling
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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