I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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