"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
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