Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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