nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize