My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
