very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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