Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
