So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
