She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
