Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
