I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
