goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
is wine microwaveable?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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