I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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