Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize