Where is the hickey?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
