if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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