ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
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