how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
