genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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