Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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