so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Randomize
