Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize
