I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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