The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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