remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
