i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
