Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Randomize
