You're my little dorito
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
