WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
