this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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