Nicole vs. Life
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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