Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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