I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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