Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
