mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
