The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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