His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Randomize
