More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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