I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Just invented taco cereal.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
