We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Ladies don't puke and tell
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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