Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Randomize
