So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Randomize
