You just made me feel so damn special
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize