I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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