is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
