Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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