Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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