if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
third nipple confirmed
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
