Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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